i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
