I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
