; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
