I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
