You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
