Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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