I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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