remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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