I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
