I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
