ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
