No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
