I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
