booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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