I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
