I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
