Pants 0. Shit 1.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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