it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm at about main and main street
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
