i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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