I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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