Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
