Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
