He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
