I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
