I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
