We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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