Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
