Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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