Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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