I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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