I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
