and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
