Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
