why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
