So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
