I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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