someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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