she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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