He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
