i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
