i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
