Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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