So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
