My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
