mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I intend to get homeless drunk
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
