I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I didn't notice because vodka
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
