I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
