Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
