Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I fill condoms, not promises.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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