Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
only you would photoshop your dick
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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