I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
