On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
