dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
