I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
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