i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
